Parents of Multiples Tackle Negative Narrative

It seems these days the old rules of not discussing politics or religion still seems to stand. The classic, and almost unspoken rules keep the peace during conversation and avoid damaging words. With that being said there is a group that still garners negative attention and worse comments, the old rules of polite conversation seem to not apply. Parents of multiples tend to obtain more than stares and pointing of passerby’s, the majority state that they face extreme scrutiny, criticism, invasive questions, and often harsh and inappropriate comments. The negative narrative the parents of multiples tend to face on a daily basis triggers more than just feelings of isolation and degradation but could also be a contributing factor in the high rates in depression and anxiety faced by parents.

Finding out that a bundle of joy is actually bundles of joy can be overwhelming and stressful for any parent. Even the most prepared and experienced parent can find themselves in a state of shock and concern when seeing more than one heart beat flicker on the image of the ultrasound. What comes as the biggest shocker is how the majority of the public perceives and responds to the news. Look within Facebook groups and forums and the majority of multiple parents will voice their frustration and hurt when discussing the comments they have received..

From everything to how to birth to how miserable they must be, parents of twins and multiples find themselves inundated with the comments and questions of others.

Multiples are naturally a fascinating subject. Things like how different or similar they may be, how the pregnancy was, or even the topic of “psychic communication” is bound to come up. People outside the realm of multiples may have questions. Often parents of multiples say they feel like a traveling circus whenever they travel outside the confines of their homes. The trouble comes when, even the most well-meaning people ask or state things without thinking of how it may impact the parents in either a positive or negative way. This issue has become so apparent within the multiple community that groups often share through social media what to say to specific comments or questions. Even the most seemingly harmless questions like “Are they twins?” has created a slew of comebacks or responses to put the power back into the hands of the parents. Things like memes and gifs have been created because of the exceeding amount of pressure placed upon the parents of multiples by friends, family, and even complete strangers. Many bloggers, like Alesandra Dubin, have even written their own articles regarding things that should never be said to parents of multiples.

Facebook user Jen Fread, commented on one Facebook feed that she has gotten comments about her weight and size while pregnant, all the way to more hurtful comments like “I’d kill myself,” by strangers when referring to a life with twins.

Another user, Kate Brunner, commented a comparable situation with strangers asking intrusive questions regarding how her twins were conceived.

“So, were they natural?” she says she is often asked referring to if she conceived them through sex or through IVF or fertility treatments.

Visit any social media site devoted to parents of twins or multiples and you will see the struggle and strife faced by the vast majority of members.

Though, it must be said that on a much more positive note, parents of multiples not only find a safe refuge to rant and vent frustrations, they also find a great network of support and strength. Facebook group M.O.M., or Moms of Multiples, offers an incredible support network for moms and dads struggling with pregnancy and raising multiples. The Facebook feed opens up an open forum where parents can safely, and anonymously, send in questions, concerns, or frustrations, and anxieties involving their children.

Local groups within our own area of Southern Oregon, like Southern Oregon Group for Parents of Twins, Triplets and Quadruplets, allow for parents in the region to get together to talk with one another and even set up play dates.

Member of the group, Jessica Davis, is has an outlet to share her stories with other parents, the worst of which being with her twin boys in a local store.

“The worst was probably when I was walking through the grocery store by myself with the boys.” She continues, “the boys were a little whiney. I noticed a middle aged woman watching me and as I walked past in a nasty voice she told me she was sorry I have my hands so full.”

Despite the criticism Jessica remained relatively unphased and responded pridefully.

“’I told her I'm not sorry, I'm lucky.’ and kept walking.”

Groups like these allow for parents to release anxieties and help to benefit the emotional growth of all the families of multiples.

Often the question remains why it is such a big issue within the multiple community. The fact remains that many parents of multiples struggled to get pregnant with their children, and even faced multiple infant losses in the process. High rates of premature birth, still birth, and miscarriages are higher in multiple pregnancies, and often harsh comments revolving around raising the children can be a crushing and painful blow in the hearts of parents who have already faced such troubling times. Nearly half of parents of multiples suffer mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, and PPD. Obviously not every bit of this can be related to just the statements made by others, but we all can agree that they definitely do not assist in the betterment of mental health.

Stating that twins, triplets, and other multiples are anything other than a blessing can not only be rude and inappropriate, it can also be incredibly distressing.

The fact remains the no one knows the background behind multiples and what it took to create the children from conception to birth and throughout their lives, so the best thing to do to encourage parents of multiples is to speak works that have been thought out. Even a simple smile or a “You have a beautiful family,” can go a long way in making the parents of multiples feel more like rock stars they are and less like they may be failing in some way.

And when all else fails just remember what your mother has told you, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

The truth is, parents of multiples love every minute. Whether they have twice the kisses, triple the hugs, or quadruple the fun, parents of multiples embrace the chaos and would not change it for the world.