I Had a Home Birth with Twins - Twice. Queue the Mom-Shaming
As many of my family, friends, and long-time readers know, I had a home birth, with both sets of my twins. For those of you just now tuning in to my posts, this may come as shocking, concerning, and maybe even selfish. Some of you may even feel anger or worse towards me for making the decision to give birth to both of my sets of twins, at home, with midwives and my husband guiding me through labor.
If I am being honest, the realization that people would have such horrendous feelings towards the choice I made came as a bit shocking to me. Obviously, throughout the years I have had numerous people mention that the idea of home birth was crazy, or dangerous, or even “something that only hippies do.” But the vast multitude of intensely negative ideas revolving around a home birth with twins was rather mind-blowing to me when I recently read an article about a young mother who decided to give birth to her twins, naturally, and at a birthing center. Personally, I found myself excited for the young mother, her eyes beaming in the pictures as she and her husband held their little ones after a successful birth.
But then I read the comments. The vast majority of them were not only negative, but they were also damn near hateful. They ranged from the quietly judgmental like “Wow. With Twins? I’d never do that.” To the more outspoken statements like “That just seems so dangerous! Twin Pregnancies are so high risk!” to even comments that genuinely chilled me to the bone like, “I almost wish her, and the babies would have died. Would have served her right for such a stupid decision.”
Really? REALLY? REALLLYYYYY???
I was horrified to see that the vast majority of comments were filled with insults and hatred for this mother. Words like “stupid”, “selfish,” “ignorant,” and more were thrown around like flower petals instead of the daggers they were. My heart genuinely ached for this woman. I couldn’t imagine the hurt she would feel in her heart if she had been reading these same comments on the article written to showcase her joy.
And Truth be told, I was hurting. My heart was breaking not just for this fellow mother, wife, and woman, but for myself and for our society as a whole. In a world where we are constantly fighting for a woman’s right to choose and be in control of her body and what happens to her body, I thought that maybe, just maybe, we would be past a lot of this ego-centered, mom-shaming, well…bullshit. Because let’s be honest.
It’s Bull Shit.
These comments were deliberately stated to not just voice an opinion but to actually hurt any woman who goes against the norm to bring her multiples into the world. It was an absolute shame to see thousands of other women, other moms of multiples standing against another. And let’s face it, raising multiples is really hard, and parents of multiples are already 80% likely to suffer from mental health issues like depression and anxiety disorders, add in the fact that we can’t even seem to follow the golden rule of “if you can’t say anything nice…” and we have a SERIOUS problem in not just the multiple parent community, but in our parenting community as a whole.
I was mostly saddened by these comments because I felt they came from more than likely well-meaning places, but possibly from places that lacked the full understanding of all that goes into choosing a homebirth or birth center experience. In those regards, I would like to share a bit of my reasoning in hopes that I can help to increase understanding.
So here it goes: My Top 3 Reasons I Chose a Home Birth…Even with Twins.
1. Past Trauma.
I have been in the hospital a lot, and I mean a lot. Virtually all of those times have added to an intense form of trauma and the dreaded “White Coat” syndrome. Even being in a hospital raises my blood pressure dramatically, and often ends up with me in a full-blown panic attack. Shortly before I became pregnant I spent the majority of my time in a hospital as my Grandfather wasted away from cancer. We were in our local hospital at least one to two times a week, and each experience was worse than the last. Between bad news, graphic images, and more, I have a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder triggered by going into hospitals. For me hospitals weren’t a place of help and healing, they were a terrifying building filled with sickness and death. Now I know to many people this sounds absurd, but it is my truth. I have since gotten much more comfortable with them and I no longer go into anxiety attacks, but that is thanks to learned coping mechanisms. In short, within my mind hospitals only lead to bad situations. This was certainly not where I wanted to give birth. And for me, this wasn’t just about my own feelings, I knew fully that my own stress and fear could ultimately impact the health and safety of my little ones. The dangers of fear and stress during labor are very real, and in order for me to keep my babies safe, I had to make sure that I was somewhere that I felt comfortable and safe.
2. I Did My Research.
Before I became pregnant I researched. I searched the web, met with doctors and midwives, checked in to birth centers, and grabbed nearly every book I could. What did I find? I found that in general the care received in regard to a home birth with a midwife compared to that of a standard hospital setting is often stated to not only be just as good and safe but often better. Many midwives come with almost every primary tool you will see in the hospital with everything from monitoring devices to emergency, or potentially lifesaving equipment. My midwife came with a huge assortment of tools and a complete list of everything I needed to be aware of so that at any moment anything started to take a turn, I would be immediately transported to the nearest hospital, which was roughly 5 minutes from my home. I was monitored constantly throughout my pregnancy and my birth with blood testing, urine tests, scans, and heart monitoring. It should also be said that in many studies it is said that the infant and maternal mortality rate is less than that of a hospital setting in the U.S. But let’s be honest I could argue this point all day, but to make it easier, check out these great articles to learn more.
3. I Wanted a Right to Choose.
Years of body image struggles and concerns making choices for myself I wanted my birthing experience to be one that was just that. MINE. I wanted to choose everything from where I was to how I labored and how I birthed. This included who I birthed with and what role they played in my labor and delivery. I wanted to feel the power of birth and gain a deep connection to myself and my children as they were being born. I was informed that even if I wanted to deliver naturally I would still have to be induced no later than 37 weeks, deliver in the operating room, with a spinal tap, and be prepared to have a c-section at any moment. The thought of being strapped to a table and having my choices, even if that included delivering naturally, ripped from me felt much more like an assault than a birth. More importantly than these choices I wanted to feel that I had a birthing team. One that was with me from the beginning, holding my hand, and truly guiding me through this new experience. I wanted to feel like my birthing guides had a deep and personal relationship to me, one that would not only keep me safe but hold the safety of my little ones above anything else. Now, this isn’t to say that you cannot have this same experience in a hospital, but for me, this was the choice I made. The relationship that I developed with my midwife and her team was one that I would treasure for a lifetime. From the three a.m. phone calls because I hadn’t felt movement for a whole minute (let’s face it, we’ve all had those moments), to the way my midwife made sure to fill my labor with massages and compliments to keep me encouraged, all of these things made me feel that I was in complete control. To some, this may seem selfish but having these choices strictly up to me and what I felt in my heart kept my babies safe and healthy. This includes the ability to carry my little ones much longer which leads to more developed lungs and higher weights. *Note: I want to make sure that I am clear if at any time something would have appeared abnormal in the latter stages of my pregnancy I would have been immediately admitted to the hospital for an induction. I was constantly monitored and examined to make sure that I never entered a level of “high risk”.
I loved my birthing experience and would be the first person to recommend my midwife, but with that said I will also say that a home birth or birth center birth is certainly not for everyone. Just like a hospital birth may not be the choice for others. It is crucial that each mother be able to make an informed choice regarding her options. Her physical health should be frequently evaluated as well as her mental health. Any caregiver and or physician should be researched and met with prior to birth and a good, caring relationship should be established. This is true not just for twin mothers, but ALL Mothers.
And most importantly, each mother should be able to make these choices without the fear of ridicule or judgment from others, especially from other women. As women we have a deep responsibility to ourselves and to other women to build one another up; Not tear them down. It is so vitally important that we continue to stand together and respect others. Though you may not agree with the choices that I or another mother has made in choosing a home birth, birth center, or hospital, I encourage all of you to at least stand-up and support her right to choose what she felt was the best and safest option for her and her child or children.
